telling the teller

Intro

This is an introduction to my thoughts before i begin a series of stories i've only verbally shared with friends and insight i want to share with the world. writing has always been a huge passion as well as inspiring others to let it all fucking go. It is all complex and serious as much as it is simple and funny.

Why?

In my experience in particular i've come to learn the art of growing up fast since the beginning of me. Opening my mental and emotional arms to any given process or learning tool to the extent that my expectations would end up hurting me.

"Ouch! what the hell?"

Not to say that all results have been negative of course, but one only needs so many experiences to realize something must change. After you've been burned by something you touched, you didnt go back and touch it again to see if the same thing happened. Okay, maybe you did. you just HAD to try it again to see if the outcome would be different. fair enough.

My existential side of me wont give up the ghost question "why?" and other related questions that provide a suitable answer that allows the change to happen.

My question will always be the same. The answers come in cryptic forms of communication and often times quite vague. I actually really despise vagueness and thus far have realized my incredible disposition for impatience. If it isn't clear, then what is the point? why waste time? why!?

I'm the crazy one. Or am i?

My choices in life have led me through this path. I wasn't really given the opportunity to have an American A+ lifestyle since birth. but regardless of my given identity in this culture, i relate to being a minority. I had a shitty childhood with no real guidelines and poor example of good and fair human interaction; i didnt realize until later on that anger and aggression didnt actually attain anything. Neither does begging, acts of "love", kind conversations of peace and so forth. So in any given case ive been stuck believing its me against you and if i dont get what i want, im simply going to die. in a very basic instinctive way, i play the roll of a human trying to survive, but how i play that roll is that heart of the matter. Logic and emotion are two things at war inside of me, things that sometimes i feel i have not control over at all. But i DO want control over my life.

I want things to make sense! how preposterous, i know. how did i get here?

Victim of fiction: science or unexplainable chaos?

What is really existing versus what i want to play out in my head and can i change it all? This is why i coined my name "Victim of fiction" through my coming of age years. I felt like everything was a science fiction movie playing right before my eyes; How relevant "Alice in Wonderland" has always been to me as a lost person stuck in a dream world.

My reality tends to not match up with others, or whatever is actually happening, so in the end i'm pushed off my magical fucking carpet ride and into the middle of traffic. Mind bending alterations to life perpetuate a lonely existence. But so does the latter. How do you win?

Have the experiences of my life taught me new things or just displayed reflections of myself on repeat? for whatever the "reason" or "purpose" that i've just subjected myself to, i believe the key to getting into your mental ride is to perpetuate change in order to drive away.

I hear generalizations about age and gender and other associated "black and white" answers to people's problems, though i don't like "grey" areas (like i said, too vague).

I like the idea that people who have issues or problems are less a scientific equation based on typical human patterns, and more so an individual significant attachment to behaviors based on how they were raised. No one person is the same, but many can relate.

Life is for living

I carry out my life based on my experiences because, of course, everything is so delicately entangled into to "who i am". I don't enjoy believing that my past will reoccur, but when you burn yourself on something, you dont want to do it again after the third time. You knew very well that the second time was still the same.

Who i am as an individual can be fake or real and since i only have one life it is pointless to be so conservative. Boring! I enjoy exposing myself as is, which is typically perceived by everyone i know as eccentric. Im balls to the wall after all, that is the style i am most attracted to.

if YOU haven't really figured that out and let loose by the first quarter century of your life, then i believe you are in for a big explosion.

Let me state the obvious here.

whether you are in the past, present, or future, we as a human interactive project cannot allow expectations of outcomes to determine our happiness. quite simple in theory, but not in practice. Especially since in American culture we've been raised with a wealth of expectations.

The point to life is connection. why else are we here? i mean, honestly. (see, another why question).

Evidently, humans are supposed to connect to or with each other in more ways than just copulation. Shocking! but more often than not it is short lived, there is conflict, confusion, insanity, miscommunication and the general fact that people have given up. Im attached to my desire to connect with people but my experiences have been limited and never allowed a strong bond with anyone. Not even my parents or blood related family. This is my process in letting go of expectation, of people, of attachment to things that i believed were supposed to happen and the stories i share are examples of how i got here.